On City Boys and Big Turkeys

Aside from the normal foolishness around here, occasionally we have unexpected hilarity. Such was the case late last week.

TurkZilla - hates me.  Bad. Real bad.

Me and the dog had been outside for awhile but had finally come in for a break. I was sitting here lost down the rabbit hole of 'the reddit' when there was a knock at the door. This was pretty surprising especially since we didn't hear anyone drive in the gate.

Just so's ya know, if you show up unexpected and unannounced you will not be greeted by my smiling face, a slice of pie, and a pile of bacon. This is what will greet you instead.

So I sent Dog#1 to the front door to check things out. My Good Shepherd charged the door all balls out and barking. Since I didn't hear gunfire or anyone screaming and running away I moseyed out to see who was foolish enough to still be standing there. I noted that there was a car - outside the gate.

There he was. Tall, skinny, young, and wearing one of those a safety vests with the electric company logo prominently displayed. Since I couldn't hear what he was saying over Dog#1 going all Cujo on him, I stepped outside.

"Yes." I said.  It was more of a statement then a question but I think I got my point across.

The tall skinny guy kept looking over my shoulder at Dog#1 trying to rip the hinges off the door as he was explaining to me that he was there to (insert some kind of electric company mumbo jumbo here. I had no idea what he was talking about). I looked at him dubiously but he held up his camera and said it would just take a second to take some pictures. Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of OD the Gander makin' his way toward the scene.

"OK" I said, "But I'm going to come with you. I can call these dogs off you but that gander over there (points to OD who is hissing and stomping this way) is extremely mean and I can't do anything about him."

"Do you mean that goose might attack me?" The tall skinny guy asked. Clearly he was a city boy who was not familiar with the danger involved in various poultry species.

"Oh yeah." I said holding out my arm to show him the scar from that big goosey gander. "That gander has been known to chase grown men."

Now the tall skinny guy was starting to get nervous. "What do you do if he attacks you?" He asked.

"Seriously?" I said because I thought he was teasing me. He nodded and he was serious.

"Well," I said getting low in kind of a wrestling stance. "You grab him by the beak with your good hand then whip around and snatch him up with your other arm, in kind of a half nelson, so he doesn't flog you with his wings." I said and gestured just how you'd do such a thing. "It works like a charm but you gotta get him by the beak on the first try or its 'good luck, Sally'."

The tall skinny guy nodded while thinking about it. I'm not sure he was completely convinced it would work. Just about that time our big tom turkey, TurkZilla came around the garage. TZ was puffing and gobbling and strutting and stomping. Fiercely. You may remember that TZ is always trying to kill me. That turkey has a special hatred for me and I do not know why. But here he came in fully display, dragging his wings and stomping... with determination in his stink eye.

"What about that one?" My tall skinny friend asked. "What do you do if he attacks you?"

"Well, Little Brother, there's no real way to kung fu fight a turkey. So pretty much you just either gotta take it. Or run."

With that TZ gave a mighty gobble - and charged.

"Auughghhghghhg!"  And off my tall skinny visitor ran, gangly legs and long arms flailing everywhere. At one point he turned to look over his shoulder and then yelled, "He's really coming for us!" Then he ran faster.

I will not lie. I was running too.

TZ stormed after us.

"Don't worry, honey, I'll get my stick!"  I shouted as that tall guy outdistanced me by a mile. I snatched my beatin' stick off the deck rail, swung it like a batleth, and turned to face our our attacker. TZ didn't think it was quite so funny when I was armed and dangerous.

I held that gobbling terror at bay while the tall skinny guy completed his mapping or whatever he was doing... and then I chased TZ off so we could walk back around the yard.

Once my young friend was safely back in his car he could finally laugh at little and said that at least he'd have a story to tell his wife. I figure he'll be talking about this for at least a week. I told him that if them boys from the electric company were fixin' to come and work on the box or whatnot he should probably put a note in the file that they should honk for me before getting out of their trucks. He nodded earnestly and then drove away.

I waved goodbye and closed the gate.

As I walked back to the house I saw OD skulk off back to the goose gate and TZ stomp back to the hen yard. Dog#1 was still in the doorway but this time he was smiling and wagging and popping around eager to be by my side. He was not happy at all with me alone out in the yard with some gangle creature with an ill favored look.

I still had my beatin' stick in my hand as the dog and I made our way over to check the water buckets in the barn yard. From somewhere behind me I heard a scuffle and flapping as Dog#1 chased that dang turkey off again. No doubt TZ was taking another run at me. I chuckled... Oh yea though I walk thru the valley of the hen yard I will fear no evil turkey..... my rod and My Good Shepherd are with me.

Happy Monday everyone! Any body else got the electric company come calling? Did your poultry run 'em off?