Ohiofarmgirl's Adventures in The Good Land is largely a fish out of water tale about how I eventually found my footing on a small farm in an Amish town. We are a mostly organic, somewhat self sufficient, sustainable farm in Ohio. There's action and adventure and I'll always tell you the truth about farming.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Why we aren't welcome at the LensmakerMart anymore

We had to go and get The Big Man glasses yesterday. It didn't go exactly as planned. We may very well never be allowed back to the LenzmakerMart. I can't tell if they just don't have a sense of humor there …..or if maybe we don't get “off farm” enough to be around decent folks. But you know how we are.

So my husband had to go renew his drivers license down at the DMV. Everything was going great until the learned government employee behind the counter failed him on the vision check.  The way that guy was going on about giving my husband a daytime restriction for glasses and such you'd a thought he was blind as a bat. So we ran right down to the biggest small town and signed up for the exam at the local eye doc. Afterward she declared The Big Man's vision to be 20/30.

Are you kidding me? Just so's ya know – my vision is like 20/200 in my good eye. Yes. I need a daytime restriction but him? Really? The doc even said that they should have passed TBM but the DMV guys are notoriously jerks and they have their machine set badly. I admit that after shelling out $75 to find out the government employees are jerks kinda put me in a bad mood. So we probably shouldn't have taken it out on the good folks at the LenzmakerMart. But they may have had it coming.

Not having had lunch yet, and having a bad attitude, I marched into the closest LenzmakerMart, glasses prescription in hand, and demanded the "least dorky glasses at the cheapest possible price for that guy” (*pointing at TBM*).  We were kindly directed to the cheap wall of frames.

Finding glasses frames for TBM turned out to be a challenge because he does in fact have a head that resembles a giant pumpkin.  The situation was ripe for hilarity and we very nearly peed our pants laughing at the bad options.

At one point I turned around and yelled... I mean... asked the LenzmakerMart gal for “the MOST dorky glasses.” She didn't think any of her inventory was “dorky.” Until TBM turned around wearing the old man/Uncle Stanley huge plastic rimmed frames. We were hanging off each other with laughter. Some folks who started to walk into the shop turned around and walked back out. The LenzmakerMart gal glared at us. We couldn't help ourselves and kept laughing.

Eventually we found a suitable option and I have to admit TBM looks rather fetching in his new specs. But before we could return to the safety of our farm we had to go thru one last ordeal. They sat us down and fired up the Opti-Tron 9000. TBM needed an eye scan so they could make the lenses for the new frames.

In my defense I gotta say that gal really needs to lighten up and find some joy in life. She was kind of dour. So I shouldn't have expected much when I told her my concerns that their new fangled eye scanner Opti-Tron 9000 thingy was really part of a vast government conspiracy to track and catalog us good citizens with retinal scans.


I thought it was kinda funny And its not like I said “rectal” scans which is what I almost said....


She was also mad because I wouldn't let her upsell us on all the upgrades that don't come with the stated price for the lenses. Not even the $30 “One Year Limited Guarantee.”  With a tone that you'd expect from a jaded school marm she said “not to come crying to her if we needed them replaced in a year.”

I kindly told her I'd be happy to stand there and let her give me the “told you so” if it came to it. She and I glared at each other. The Big Man squirmed uncomfortably briefly before he snatched me up by the hand and thanked our helpful sales gal...and then drug me quickly to the food-o-rama to improve my attitude with french fries and ice cream. 

It worked and pretty soon we were laughing about how hopefully he'd get his license renewed next week without incident. Or maybe by the time it was done with he'd end up not only with glasses for his “failing” eyesight, but also a hearing aide, a cane, and orthopedic shoes. For heavens sakes.

So now we're sitting here watching TV - both of us with our glasses.  But of course I can't just let it go so from time to time I gotta call him  "Four Eyes."  Or as one of all y'all suggested, Urkel.

I'm a fine one to talk since I've had glasses since I was a teen. Of course I've never felt bad about it. And aside from when the dog ate my $600 reading glasses I've never needed the $30 year guarantee.  That poor gal at the LenzmakerMart is just gonna have to bide her time to give us that “told ya so.”

So that's the long and short of it. You can't take us anywhere, I guess. But least we can laugh about it.

Happy Saturday everyone! Anyone else head into town lately?


Chai Chai said...

Let's see, off the top of my head I can think of several places that you are no longer allowed to go. The breakfast restaurant (the ole chick in the egg conversation), COSCO's (some credit card verification issue), the curb in front of the Post Office (red truck wedged off the ground), and now the eyeglass place.

If you see the local police please avoid them, as they may walk up and say; "This town ain't big enough for the two of us..."

p.s. Apparently "ain't" is a word now as the spell check allows it! Maybe it is EBONIC?

David said...

Funny, some people don't have a sense of humor or, I suspect half took you seriously if you said it in a deadpan manner. Having dropped then stepped on one pair, and taking a very cool rimless pair for a nap and proceding to roll over on them. I do buy the "idiot insurance." Back from the range and ion a good mood! Have a great weekend!

Beth of the Rocks said...

Ugh, glasses. I've been wearing them since second grade and my son since he was 3. He's 12 now, and his vision's as bad as mine. I'm 33. >:|

Poor kid.

So glasses shopping is coming up. Want to come with? If not, I'll report back on how that whole gov't conspiracy retinal scan line goes over...


Ohiofarmgirl said...

CC - you just can't take us anywhere. I think we should stay "on farm" from now on. ha!

Oh no, Dave! The broken glasses are the worst... I stepped on mine once and was able to get the not-broken lenses back in. Whew!

Sure I'll come with, Beth! I'll even drive if ya want me too! Whoot!

buddeshepherd said...

That was a great post. I have a constant issue with the post office which always leaves a note that my packages are too big to fit into the box and I can pick them up at the post office after 4 p.m.
I nicely asked the postmaster if every time I got a package the mail lady tried to fit it into the box and then if it didn't fit wrote a note. He said that in fact she did.
I suggested that the box rarely changed sizes and asked him if he thought she would ever learn to judge the size before leaving the post office so she wouldn't have to lug big packages around in her car and write notes sitting alongside the road and I would not see the pink slip and go after a package.
He suggested I read what it said on the slip.
It has become sort of a stalemate...

freemotion said...


Jody said...

You sure do know how to tell it!

Ruth Trowbridge said...

This scenario plays out for us all the time too! We live as you do. Reading your story I realized why this keeps happening, and it is such an eyeopener for me. We bring our resolve to be happy with us and join them in their daily misery. Most city people have no idea what joy is, how can they as they live as natureless slaves competing for money and power. They hated you, how dare you bring happiness to their suffering, and it did not matter. Good on ya', beautiful ditty, thanks for sharing. Peace

Ohiofarmgirl said...

hey buddes! we have a deal with my mail guy also - but we just say "just keep it at the PO and we'll come and get it." just oh so much easier that way. but i'm eager to hear how your stalemate is resolved.

Free - its always something...

Thanks Jody, might as well laugh, right? Oh geez its a crazy world. and you cant take us anywhere.

Ruth, that is the nicest comment that I've gotten in a long time. You are just right. We ARE happy and folks do seem mad about it, now that I think on it and remember other such encounters. I'm gonna think on this for a good long time, "We bring our resolve to be happy with us and join them in their daily misery." Thank you Ruth, you made my day! :-)

Heiko said...

Hey sis, you can come to town with me any day. Sounds like a fun day out. Went to Florence a couple days back sniggering about American tourists (sorry couldn't help it... :D )Did your friends check out the restaurants in Rome?

Gingerbreadshouse7 said...

You will have to wear masks if that keeps up :o)...

chipmunk said...

Leave it to you guys to make glasses buying a fun and hilarious outing!

Happy Farming Momma said...

My best friend and I constantly Butt heads with people in stores! Yes we can be a bit inmature but no nasty language or any unkind comments. We keep to our selfs and make each other laugh, and we are always happy people which seems to really piss others off! It seems that if every one around you is wearing their pissy pants that day they expect you to put on a pair too! Continue to be your happy self, but warning telling someone that is grumpy twards your happyness to smile cause it will make them feel better really makes things alot worse! ;0)

Ohiofarmgirl said...

Its OK Heiko, I laughed at the American tourists also! HA! I hated Florence the first time I went, then the second time I loved it and would love to go back.

Ginny, if we wore masks we'd probably end up down at the county lock up. I hope someone would bail us out!

Thanks Chimpunk - might as well find the joy, right?

What is with those pissypants, Sarah? I find that the angriest people are in the parking lots of grocery stores. You'd think they'd find something in there to make them laugh.

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