Editor's Note - Ohiofarmgirl's Farm is pleased to provide you with this special presentation. We'll return to our regularly scheduled programing momentarily.
We can hardly believe that our little Kai is a year old. Her birthday was last week and of course I'm a little sad that I can no longer call her a "puppy" - she'll always be our little girl. All 90 or 100 lbs of her....My friend SD says Kai still has a puppy brain - and we see it in Kai's bright eyes. Just the other day we were ooohing and aaaahing over how regal she looked...and then she started chasing her curly tail. Puppy brain.
In honor of her birthday we present the greatest Kai tale every told. I blame my pal FJ for this entirely...and also SS who egged me on. We arrived at this epic story because of a bad case of green bean bugs. I innocently asked how I should handle an infestation of those stupid little fuzzy yellow bugs who were eating my Hill O' Beans.
FJ suggested I ride to battle with a flame thrower....and then it all just got a little silly. So go ahead and identify all your favorite sci-fi scenes...and those of you who are true ancient battle history nerds may see a few references as well. Thanks, FJ, here's your story in it entirety - and the best battle 'tail' yet of My Fighting Uruk-hai.
Part One: The Capture of Lucky
The scene - on the battlefield in the upper garden, smoke rises in the distance,
helo's piloted by the guineas fly low over head, the geese lay down
suppressing cover from their turrets as the goats belly crawl their
way into the line of fire.
The battle against the enemy had been raging and the weary troops prayed for a victory over the incessant scourge that would not leave their land. Initially they had been told that the solution was to burn the enemy to the ground, but the first wave of flame throwers attacks were rebuffed. Now the land and all its inhabitants were in an all out war. The ground was savaged, the army was fatigued, supplies were running low, and the commander had an altogether different problem on her hands......
In the middle of the action, OFG
and Kai were squaring off, nose to nose. OFG raging mad, Kai just as defiant
- the pup's battle gear in a pile in front of her, a sparkly tiara on
OFG was shouting, "Soldier! Get your gear on and get back into the
"NO! And I'm not a soldier! I'm a princess!" Kai's resolve held fast. "And I want a tea party!"
OFG, was now growling, "YOU. ARE. NOT. A. PRINCESS!"
But the pup would not budge and answered back, "I am! I am a princess!"
Kai's commander had reached her limit, a vein bulged out of OFG's forehead, and she could be heard above the battle noise, "Your name is My Fighting Uruk-hai PoodleKiller and you are soldier in
this man's army - now get in there and get to work!"
Now in tears, Kai wailed, "No I'm
not and my name is Princess JellyBean!"
"Princess WHAT? Oh you
just wait until your father gets home...." OFG had just about enough of this insolence...
But Kai would not relent and thru her tears, accused, "He's not my father
- you're not even my real parents... you... you... (gasps) BOUGHT
Shocked, OFG started to retort, "Wha...." But her attention was ripped away from the angry pup by an urgent call over her comm and she turned her face toward the battle.
In the background she watched as her second in command, a dog warrior named Lucky, blasted his
way into the thick of the fight with a gat, was knocked off balance by
a mortar round, and was swarmed by a horde of the destructo-bugs. As he was
knocked to the ground, he yelled into his comm, "Request retrieval!!
OFG, now with an even bigger problem to solve,
was still raging at the defiant pup in a tiara who wanted of all things, a tea party. This would have to wait. She turned and shouted, "Colonel Ti!"
The big dog, in full battle regalia, strode forward, "Sir yes sir!"
recruit how we do business around here!" She commanded as she pulled on her helmet, "We've got a man down and I'm
goin' in. This place crawls."
OFG fired up the flame thrower as she shouted commands to rally the hens into their battle line, and pushed her way through the fight to Lucky. They could see the dog soldier had been bound and gagged and was being dragged off by the bugs.
Alone now on the hillside, Titan
glowered at Kai and knocked the tiara off her head, the enormous dog leaned in close to the frighted, yet still defiant pup, "These are the rules.
Everybody fights, nobody quits. If you don't do your job I'll bite
* The scene faded to black with a long shot of the
battle field, just as OFG and the hens reached where Lucky was last seen......*
Part Two: The Press Conference
The scene: Oval Office Press Briefing
Room, a flunky introduced the Administration's spokesperson. A carefully coiffed and
smartly attired representative stepped forward to address the cadre of reporters...
"Thank you for
coming. We'd like to address the rumors that there has been some kind
of military action in the upper garden. The fact is this just is not
true. We have it on good authority that a weather balloon may have
crashed in that vicinity. Reports of some kind of bug uprising have
been greatly exaggerated and I can assure you that there is no
"destructo-bug" within our borders. The widely circulated
youtube videos showing a soldier known as Lucky being held hostage by
some kind of insurgent insect regime is a hoax and not credible."
are not taking questions at this time. Thank you for coming and help
yourself to some green beans on the way out."
instantly jumped to its feet, flashbulbs pop, questions are hurled at
the representative, microphones are everywhere......the scene erupted into
chaos and immediately the pundits started spinning the story in all
Part Three: Duck Team Six
The scene: Somewhere in a bunker in the upper
garden, the command center is taking direct hits. Pieces of rubble
and dirt fell on the map spread out in front of OFG. Her comm officer - a white duck
hen named Daisy - was desperately trying to relay a message and was shouting over the din of the raging battle outside
"Sir! We have located Lucky - he's being held by the insurgents under
the grape arbor!" Reported Daisy.
Titan immediately turned to his attache, one of the younger hens, "Tell my men to be ready to move in 5...."
"Belay that order,
Colonel!" Bellowed OFG from her position at the map table. She had not looked up.
"But sir," questioned the Colonel, "We need to get an extraction team to the
location. We need to rescue Lucky. If those bugs...."
"Yes, yes of course, Colonel," She answered heavily, "We'll send in a team. But not you. I need you to mount an
offensive with the heavily armored mounts - a direct attack. You need
to buy us some time."
"You mean...." Started Ti.
"Yes, bring out my
hog riders!" Commanded OFG.
Ti, saluted and hurried off, barking his orders, "Unleash
the pigz! Mount up, boys its time to hunt bugs."
The old veteran knew his duty...and he knew that his commander of all those long years had something more in store for the evil menace that was destroying their world. Those bugs would pay. Until then he and his men would unleash hell.
Back in the Command Center, Daisy asked, "But, Commander, who
will rescue Lucky? They have him held deep in the grape thicket!"
For the first time OFG looked up from her map, she answered "We have no choice but to bring out..... Duck Team Six."
A collective gasp from the command center brought everything to a silent
stand still. Daisy, breathlessly dared to ask, "You cant mean... "
"Yes, Daisy, you heard me." OFG answered, her jaw set firm and with hard eyes.
Young and inexperienced, Daisy pressed her commanding officer, "But sir, them boys aint right!"
A little too sharply, OFG retorted, "I'm
aware of the risks. Issue the order - bring out... the runner
Rebuked and a little frightened, Daisy hurried away relaying instructions and looking
OFG looked out at the raging battle..... "Hold
on, Lucky, momma is coming for you... just hold on a little while
In the distance Col Ti could be seen leading the charge on foot as
the barn cats, Shine and Bobbi, rode the pigz on a direct collision
course to the Insurgent Insect stronghold.....
Part Four - The Battle Rages
Daisy, the Comm Officer, received a sudden transmission and alerted her commander, "Sir! we have
the satellite feed from the Duck Team Six operation."
OFG spun around in
her big chair to better view the central monitor, and ordered, "On screen!"
sprung to life. Fuzzy at first then it clearly showed the scene up on
the battlefield. A huge black cage was being pulled into position by the younger
OD the lead gander, a patch over one eye,
marched beside the wheeled cage and mercilessly whipped the younger ganders as he snarled, "Put your backs into it
At last the mighty cage came to a full stop. With
great effort, and to the sound of iron on iron, the door ground open loudly. The door keepers panicked and ran for their lives as the runner
ducks burst out of the giant cage like crazed berserkers. Each a
shrieking, screaming, whirling demon. And the peeping! The horrible
unholy peeping! The enemy was momentarily transfixed and seemed to take a
collective step backward in sheer terror....
Initially the dozen demon
ducks scattered in all directions... then suddenly came together to form a
battle phlanx and rushed toward the enemy. Then as they gradually picked up
speed they morphed into a giant wedge headed directly into the fray. Just as they were about to smash thru the faintly failing enemy
lines..... a contingent of potato bugs appeared from the nearby garden. The potato bugs roiled down the hillside, surrounded..... and overwhelmed
Duck Team Six.
OFG leaped from her command chair, aghast. The entire Command Center held its breath, unable to comprehend what had just happened.
red shirted ensign, previously unseen, stood next to Daisy and awkwardly broke the silence, "Sir. They've been destroyed!"
Almost silently OFG, croaked thru her shock, "Insect b*astards. You've killed my ducks." And then she slumped back into her chair, lost in her own horror.
Col Ti burst into the room and made his grim report, "Sir,
the battle is turned, we will be taken."
OFG, eyes distant, spoke her thoughts out loud, "So much death. What
can farmers do against such reckless hate?"
A heavy silence filled the air. No one moved. They'd never seen their commander at a loss.
"Ride out with me,
Sir." It was Colonel Ti stepping forward.
Rage started to build within OFG, her shock giving way to a bottomless anger and desire for revenge, "For death and glory?"
"For the farm, for
Lucky!" Answered Colonel Ti.
OFG was gathering strength, the others could feel it, "Yes....yes....bring my mount,
fetch my sword! Fell deeds awake - now for wrath... now for ruin....
and the red dawn!"
In one smooth motion OFG leapt on the back
of her trusty mount, TurkZilla, and with a mighty gobble they thundered
out of the bunker, Col Ti at her side and a mighty company of war hens
following, drawing swords and fighting for all their worth.....
The red shirted ensign was immediately slain.
The battle raged and the sun rose over a field of death as the army fought with wild abandon now that they had nothing to loose.
Part Five - Somewhere on a high hill
Somewhere, alone on a high hill and completely unaware of the battle taking place, Kai hopped and
popped along in her tippy-toe, little pup run-walk. She wiggled her
bottom and shook her pom-pom
tail and sang her theme song
. From time to time she jumped up
to bite the head off the tall grass that lazily swayed in the afternoon sun. She saw a butterfly alight, lifted her
gaze, and turned to follow it...then suddenly her laser-sharp nose
zeroed in on something familiar. She whipped her massive head around
toward the scent.
Instinct took over and she got low in the grass,
snuffing the ground and prowling the ancient stealth of her
forebearers. Like a ghost she glided thru the tall grass, her eyes
seeing everything... the grass parted to reveal as open glen. Suddenly
she brightened, and then bounced and danced toward a lone figure leaning
against a tree...
"Lucky! Whatcha doing here?" She nearly squealed with excitement.
But she couldn't hear his reply which sounded like, "Mwfff tthuuu eeeez!"
"What? I dont have to pee."
Lucky tried again, "WWfff tthuuu EEEEEZ!!!!!"
"What? Sail the seven
seas? What are you talking about Lucky?"
Frustrated the pup suddenly reached up and ripped the duct
tape off the older dog's mouth.
"AAAUHGHGHGH! " Cried Lucky.
"Ooops!" She laughed and then Kai saw that Lucky was bound to the old pine
tree with heavy chains.
"Quick!" Urged Lucky, "Get the keys! Right over there - get me out
Pausing and with an impish glint in her eye, Kai, tilted her head playfully and answered "Humm..... well. Maybe. Only if.........."
the great distance they could see smoke but barely heard what was
The Unexpected Hero
The air filled with the thunder of a hundred paws and claws tearing the
ground as the great company raced across the field. The army of hen warriors led by OFG was hard
charging its way to the final holdout of the Insect
OFG called to her front ranks, her most trusted
personal guard, urging them on, "Hold the line! Stay with me! Hold the line!"
Her confidence and hard, battle worn face
belied her worry. It had been days since they saw Lucky dragged away by
the cursed bugs. Her army had crossed the the length and breadth of her empire. They couldn’t find her second in command anywhere. She had sent out her best scouts. None had returned. Her hunters
could track a falcon on a cloudy day but they could not find Lucky.
A look of concern crossed OFG's face and she fought to control her emotions
when she caught Col Ti's cold stare. He was right, she thought, this was no time
OFG's shoulder groaned under the weight of the
constant battle. A scar crawled down her leg and a bandage covered
another wound on her fighting hand. Fell deeds had been awakened, her
wrath had been unending. Ruin would be her legacy for
these...these... "farm enders"... these demon bugs. They were an army unlike any other, crusading across the county in search
of the promised land... a garden of fresh, young unpicked green
beans. When they destroyed one garden the moved onto the next.
hen warriors spread out in a mighty fan, the battle line would hold. It
had to - the farm depended on it. Each warrior was carefully chosen
for their steadfastness in battle, each trained and tested, each
fearsome, bold. Each readying themselves to see what grotesque
spectacle they would find over that hill.... what horrible demons had
been coughed up from the darkest reaches of the insect empire. They
neared the top of the hill.
Col Ti's eyes were wild with
battle lust, his war cry was loud and long as he raced to stay by
OFG's right side. On her left, her standard bearer, an old war
wizened veteran hen, Franhilde, was mounted on Nibbles and proudly
held aloft the battle flag - an image of a fox and an axe on a blood
OFG's voice carried over the mighty sound of
the charge as she cried to her men, "To victory! To farm victory!! If
you find yourself alone grazing in green fields with the sun on your
face, do not be troubled, for you are in Valhalla and you're already
dead! Brothers! What we do in life echos in eternity!
was filled with ruckus laughter and a great "huzzah!" The warriors
leaned further forward, pressing on to the fight. They would fight
for her. They would die for her, for their captain, for their king -
for the farm and for victory.
Just as they crested the hill OFG
pulled her mount up short and bellowed, "FULL STOP!"
danced and flapped trying to keep from spilling his liege, but OFG
skillfully lept free and tossed the reins to a waiting page. The back
ranks were still crying "Forward! On! On!" .....and so the hens
crashed into the ducks, who fell forward into the geese, who bonked
into the turkeys...who weren’t about to fall beak first into the
Col Ti barked orders to form up the ranks as he
shouldered his way forward, "Sir? What...."
OFG's gaze and then he took up the same opened mouth, head cocked to the
side look...trying to make sense of what they were seeing. He blinked
and shook his head, was he mad? "Sir?"
OFG shook off her war
cloak and shield and took a hesitant step forward.
front of them was an elegantly set table. It was half the size as normal
furniture, in fact it was child sized. The linens were crisp, the
setting sterling, and the teapot a handsome blue willow pattern. At
the table sat Kai and Lucky, sipping tea and quietly chatting.
Ti, angrily strode forward, "What the... Lucky!
Instinctively Lucky jumped to his feet, spilling the
tea in his lap. Unfortunately for him, the chair was a bit small and it was
stuck on his bottom. He tried to free himself, turned quickly - and
knocked into the table spilling the tea cakes. Some of the younger hens rushed forward and
began pulling on the chair. At last it gave way but the sudden release sent the
hens and the chair falling backward in a tumble...and Lucky sprawling
forward, right at OFG's feet.
"On your feet, son." Commanded OFG.
Lucky scrambled to his feet, desperately snapping a
"Sir yes, Sir!" Replied the young dog trying to pull himself together.
"What's that on your head, Lieutenant?" Asked OFG staring in disbelief.
its..a....its some kind of princess hat, I believe." He offered.
and Col Ti looked at him quizzically.
Kai, was still at the table
trying to mop up the spilled tea with a frilly napkin, she said loudly
with irritation - and a cheeky coyness that got under OFG's skin, "Its
Both OFG and Col Ti looked at her quizzically.
Ti leaned in close to Lucky said in an angry voice, "You're not in uniform,
soldier, now take that thing off your head and fall in line!"
started forward toward the pup - who was nervously fidgeting at the
table. "Kai, whats going on here?" She gently asked.
From behind her,
Lucky called, "She wouldn’t get me free unless I promised to have a
tea party with her!"
OFG turned a cold look toward Lucky -
which instantly silenced him. Then she leaned down to be at eye
level with a very-ashamed-of-herself-pup. All of a sudden Kai spilled
out her confession, "Well you wouldn't let me be a princess and so I
ran away! Then I found Lucky. And now we are having a tea party."
"A tea party?" OFG could not believe that this young pup, who refused to take
part in battle, found her missing Lieutenant. Alone. In this hostile
land. This one young pup did what her entire army could not.
found Lucky yourself?" Asked OFG.
"Uh-huh.... I followed my nose." Answered little Kai.
"I see," Said, OFG nodding, "You have a good nose, honey. No one else could find him. But...but...
where are the bugs?"
"Them bugs flew away! The eagles came." Said Kai excitedly and looking up.
OFG looked up also and asked, "What eagles honey? There's no eagles."
Kai pointed toward the horizon, "There -
"Oh no, honey - those are barn swallows."
laughed and said, "Well, they sure swallowed those bugs! Then the rest of them
bugs went over to the bad neighbors - over there."
Still a little perplexed, OFG asked, "To the bad
"Yep! He's always firing off his gun and he scares
the eagles... I mean, them barn swallows so all the bugs went over
"I see." OFG turned her head slightly back
towards the troops, but her eyes were still fixed on Kai. She ordered, "Colonel Ti - move
these men out. We're going back to base - it looks like this Insect
Insurgence has been neutralized."
In the background Colonel Ti
issued orders, dressed the lines, and signaled the rear guard to begin the marching cadence. The troops moved slowly back toward the barnyard.
took Kai by the paw and started to lead her back home.
"Momma?" Asked the young pup.
"Can I....can I be a princess now?" Kai asked tentatively, looking up with her hopeful eyes.
"Yes sweetheart," Said OFG gently, "You can be a princess now." They walked a while in silence and then, "I'm glad you found
"Me too!" Replied the happy pup as she dreamed of a new tiara
Kai skipped and hopped alongside OFG,
shaking her pom-pom tail and dancing along in her tippy-toe little pup run-walk into the sunset.
And that's what happened.