Ohiofarmgirl's Adventures in The Good Land is largely a fish out of water tale about how I eventually found my footing on a small farm in an Amish town. We are a mostly organic, somewhat self sufficient, sustainable farm in Ohio. There's action and adventure and I'll always tell you the truth about farming.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Girl. Drives. Truck

Thanks, wickett6029, for your kind comments! Here's a funny for ya... you know we farm gals need to stick together. You'll know what I'm talking about with this one...

Thinking how we farmgirls are all in the same boat..rather, truck... kinda reminded me of a story of what happened when this Ohiofarmgirl took a drive one day. I actually had a “function” to attend... no big deal but different than my normal day. I even had to look nice. So I put on my 'goin to town clothes' (my one set of non-pooped on clothes) and boldly launched out of our driveway in Big Red – our enormous fire-engine red, Ford work truck. Settling in for the big drive several hours away, I had my snacks, bottle of water, and a lot of country music. I was supposed to be there in the early afternoon.

The late fall, sunny drive was stunning – tons of leaves to peep, sunshine, and warm enough to have to the windows down. I sang the latest hits at the top of my lungs as I headed on down the highway. I made the exchange to the northbound freeway and headed for my favorite truck stop.

Now, aside from being the only woman at the dump... nothing is better for the feminine esteem than being the only woman at the truck stop in a big ol' 'arrest me red' Ford F250 4X4, superduty, extended cab, extended bed work truck, with an NRA sticker in the window. I hopped out of the cab and instantly was the center of attention.

This wass funny for a couple of reasons.
1. I'm not a spring chicken anymore
2. I don't particularly do anything to attract THAT kind of attention.

In fact, on a normal farm working day with my too-long shorts, big sweatshirts and work boots I generally turn heads AWAY from me. But in the clean clothes and shiny truck, I guess I was just too much for them long distance boys to handle.

“How you doin', honey?” One of my fellow big work truck drivers said to me over the pump.

“Why jus' fine.” I replied moving an imaginary hair out of my face and flashing my wedding band... just in case.

“Nice truck,”  he continued.

“It'll get her done, if that's what you mean, friend.” I said as casually as I could.  Knowing where this just might go I looked over his smaller, not heavy duty, short bed Ford. He started so say something else but I cut him off...

“Say friend, whatcha got in that truck?”  I asked already knowing the answer..

“Well, I work construction so I have all my tools...”

I cut him off again with a slightly bothered “Hum.”  Then before he could defend himself I observed,  “That little truck carries all those tools? Well, friend, what you need is a man-sized truck then – like this one here.” I said patting the hood.

The pump clicked off and in a smooth, practiced motion, I repelled back up into the cab, waved, and roared off leaving him stunned and wondering what I may have meant....

North bound and down, loaded up and truckin' I hit the city limit sign several hours later.

I stopped at the nearest McDonald's to put on my official church meetin' outfit. Not just the clean clothes I wore for the drive but real dress clothes. I had even curled my hair that day – all I needed now was a little make up and I'd be just about presentable.

I opened my official 'girl bag' of cosmetic products and peered in. It had been a while since I had actually worn any make up. In fact, our wedding may have been the last time... so it all looked a little unfamiliar and I carefully removed each small packet of this and that as well as the necessary fluffy brushes for appropriate application. I found lipstick that may or may not be older than our youngest cat. I began the beautification process.

The problem, clear as day right there in all my glory, was that the day before the event I had developed the worlds largest zit.  It was right there for all the world to see. The remedy was the all important girl-product, liquid make up. It hides everything if you believe the lady at the Estee Lauder counter – but she's paid on commission so you never know. Hopping it would work as directed I reached into my bag for it. I searched in my bag for it. Panicking I dumped my bag out onto the counter looking for it. Gone. Not There. None. Now what?!?

My mind raced. I could... I could.... stop at kmart and get some? Nope. No time. I could just go like this?  Nope. I looked ridiculous. I could... I could....and then I vaguely remembered something from an old episode of America's Next Top Model when Tyra said that you could mix some face powder with your moisturizer and voila – liquid make up. I had face powder! A-haaaa....there was the solution!


I didn't have any moisturizer.  Humm... I thought as I gathered up all my “possibles” and shoved them crudely back into the girl bag.... wonder if there was anything in the truck that I could use..... I headed back to the truck.  Surely there was something, maybe some hand lotion in the truck???  I picked up the pace as I was going to be late if I didn't hurry.

Aside from some emergency tire inflater foam, and some window washer fluid... the only thing my search of the truck revealed was...

udder cream.

Yep, thats right.  Every farm truck has got some udder cream for your cow, goat, whatever you're milking and for all your general farm uses. Bag balm they call it. It cures everything.

And as I now know, makes a damn fine base for homemade liquid make up.

Officially late and as beautified as I was gonna get, I took the last few turns and barreled into the parking lot of the event, straw flying out the back of the truck. As I dropped out of the truck and strutted just like one of those Top Models into the event, I laughed that Tyra Banks probably would look better than me in my work truck... but she probably didn't have any idea what you can do with udder cream.

Happy Friday everyone!


The Unusual Farmchick said...

And I thought I was the only one to come up with such smart mouth comments to strangers..LOL. LOVED it! I may drive a little truck in comparison to yours but I do see the heads turn when they notice this long black haired lady behind the wheel. Something about a woman driving a truck really turns heads compared to the kid mobile... It's good for the self esteem to this mom of 3 so I try to steal those keys as often as possible!

wickett6029 said...

--a lotion my mom swears by is "Cornhusker's Lotion".....I tried it once, but geeked out over the texture of the stuff!! :-O I'll stick with bag balm any day.

...and another possible dude magnet at the truckstop was your NRA sticker
(instant aphrodisiac in this part of the country, lol!)

Have a wonderful Easter!

Ohiofarmgirl said...

hey TUUF! (look! its 'tough'!) any truck is a good farm truck!

Wickett: i totally forgot about Cornhuskers.. wow my Grandma always had that. I'll have to look for that...wow! thanks for the reminder!

Chai Chai said...

It appears that UUF makes videos of homestead folks displaying their ingenuity. Looks to me like the OFG is perfect for a segment as you both are in Ohio.

Ahh, OFG uses utter cream for makeup and with the return of the Queen she will soon be relaxing in a bath of pure goats milk - good for the complexion don't cha know...

The Unusual Farmchick said...

Actually...Thats why I stopped in here and had to comment with the truck.LOL. but now I am back to shoot this little lady an email. asking for the honor of my intrusion..err. Visit for a day.
So what do ya' say? you up to it?
Shooting out an email following this comment. :)

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