Ohiofarmgirl's Adventures in The Good Land is largely a fish out of water tale about how I eventually found my footing on a small farm in an Amish town. We are a mostly organic, somewhat self sufficient, sustainable farm in Ohio. There's action and adventure and I'll always tell you the truth about farming.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Technical Difficulties... Please stand by

Actually it's more like medical difficulties... but please stand by. Seems that yours truly was struck by some kind of limpy-gimpy malady. I don't even have a good story about what happened. But I woke up Friday at 4 in the AM in pain and it just kept getting worse. Then pretty much I couldn't walk, sit, stand, or lay down.

So on Saturday my husband took me to the nearest and best Urgent Care place. I walked in and informed the lady behind the counter that I urgently needed care. She gave me a form to fill out and told me to sit down. I hobbled over and sat among a collection of sick people. I resolved to touch nothing due to germs. Eventually they called my name and I hobbled after the nurse so I could go and wait somewhere else.

"Seems that I have a pain right in my hip, Doc." I said to the guy who I assumed was a doctor. I couldn't tell tho because there was some kind of football event happening on TV so everyone was wearing sports gear. The Big Game was starting soon so I listed all my symptoms quickly. "OK, let's take a look." He said and moved in my direction.

I tell you the truth, I am a terrific hypochondriac but a terrible patient. I am, as they say, "combative."

"Keep your hands were I can see them, friend, lest there be violence." I warned. "I'm a fighter."

"So am I." Was his reply. "Now get over here."

I dodged his grasp and faded right but he snagged me by the back of my shorts and shook me roughly like a naughty puppy. Then he grabbed my leg and turned it this way and that. "Does this hurt?"

"Aaagghhghg!! Yes! Now unhand me, you quack!" I yelled.

"How about this?" He twisted my leg the other way.

"Aaaugghghghg! Honey!" I was screaming now for aid.

A voice from the waiting room, "Do you need me to help hold her, Doc?"

"Traitor!" I yelled at my unhelpful husband.

"Well," Said the Doc "Looks like we'll have to fire up the xray machine."

Great. Now I was gonna be irradiated. He left and the nurse came in. She was holding the Gown of Shame. "Here, put this on." She instructed.

"Oh hell no." I said. About that time I began to wonder if I had decent drawers on or if I had once again worn my Superman underroos to the emergency room. I panicked. There was a scuffle. To be fair she was at least a foot taller than me and had arms like a Ukrainian weight lifter. I stood in my utter humiliation with my super "S" hanging out the backside.

She told me to follower her so I limped to the door. It was a long long hallway. I peeped left and right to make sure the coast was clear and then I hobbled as fast as I could. Mostly tho I looked like Grandma Gert the time she tried to make a break for it and escape the nursing home, such was my gait.

There was a gaggle of medical folk just by the xray room door. I clutched my gown so as to preserve my modesty. But mostly all's I was doin' was pulling that flimsy fabric tight across my tail feathers so now everyone could see the outline of my super underpants. There was snickering. But by that time I was too mortified by The Slab that is the xray machine.

If you've never had an xray the entire point is to make you as uncomfortable as possible. Then they ask you to perform yoga-like maneuvers such was the Camel Under a Bridge and Roadkill Turkey. And if you weren't already hurt when you went in - you are when you are finished. No one was happy. When she said I was done I sprang from the xray table like a surprised cat out of a bathtub.

I finally got my shorts back and was given a handful of papers. Thanks to a huge sign on the wall declared "We don't hand out pain medicine" I didn't get any. But instead I got a delightful concoction of prescriptions that was sure to render me into a state of delirium... and rage. I looked at the Doc dubiously. "I think you forgot to Rx 'donuts', Doc." I said.

"Get out." Said he.

I hobbled out into the full waiting room. "No amputation today, honey!" I said.  The lady behind the counter glared at me. Some of the people waiting looked scared.

The Big Man was mortified and snatched me up by the hand and drug me outside to the truck muttering about how he can't take me anywhere.

We got to the pharmacy and my able apothecary mixed up the potions. He handed them over with a strong warning that they might make me drowsy and.... and... oh look....purple butterflies........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

*Seeing OFG passed out over her laptop, Little Mo gently moved her out of the way, re-read the post, corrected a few spelling mistakes, and hit "Publish." Then Little Mo snuggled up against a sleeping OFG and settled in.*


Provender Place said...

Praying you heal up quick.

Nancy said...

Nice work, Mo. ;)

IanH said...

You may have lost some dignity, but at least you retained your sense of humour! Super S? We need pictures.:-}

Bec - Farmers Wife said...

Still laughing ..... I mean I hope you're feeling better .......

Sunnybrook Farm said...

Wow, you had a time of it, hope this week goes better.

Diana said...

You poor thing! Did they ever figure out what it was? Oh man... I hope you feel better soon! I've heard comfrey poultices work wonders for bone & joint problems... never tried it myself.

Ann from KY said...

I hope you feel better soon and it is not serious. Hope you heal quickly! Hurt my knees and it was no fun. Been there and don't want to go again. God bless!

Ohiofarmgirl said...

Thanks, PP, really appreciate the prayers.

Hey Nancy, Little Mo did a bang up job, huh?

Ian, I may have lost my dignity a long time ago..hee hee hee. And no. No pix.

Hi Bec! and thanks, I'm on the mend.

Thanks SBF, I'm hoping for a much less eventful week for sure!

Hey Diana, they are calling it bursitis - swelling in the joint. I have comfry - I'll look into that. thanks!

Thanks Ann! Yep this is definitely no fun. But I have a lot of snugly cats to keep my company.

Amanda said...

Hahaha oh my god, you're hilarious. I'm sorry you're hurt, but you sure know how to be cheerful and funny about it. That's a nice skill to have! That way people don't start blubbering and bringing flowers when you're sick, they're joking around and buying you beer instead.

I can blubber too though if you secretly want a bit of blubbering on your behalf?

Feel better. :)

The Paisley Butterfly said...

Praying for your health. Enjoy the time off :) Read a book or two...
And I love the humor in how you shared your story!

Anonymous said...

You even make pain sound like fun!! Get better quick. Hugs, Jan

David said...

damn itis of the bursa. feel better

KatB said...

Ohmygoodness, for a not funny event you made this freaking hilarious! Feel better!

Ohiofarmgirl said...

thanks, Amanda! and nope i'll take all the joshing around and free drinks!

really appreciate the prayers, Paisley Butterfly!

thanks Jan, really love the well wishes :-)

Dave, no this does not automatically come with the walker
and a hip replacement. yet. ha!

thanks Kristen! might as well laugh, right? :-D

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