Ohiofarmgirl's Adventures in The Good Land is largely a fish out of water tale about how I eventually found my footing on a small farm in an Amish town. We are a mostly organic, somewhat self sufficient, sustainable farm in Ohio. There's action and adventure and I'll always tell you the truth about farming.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Today was the last day. The very last day.

*OFG stomps angrily up the hill from the pig yard, throws feed bucket out of view, yells into camera....*

"This is the last... the LAST day that I'm getting in the pen with them lazy, no-good, filthy, flea ridden, thrice cursed, despicable, disgusting daughters of Jezebel!"  * Throws hat down for emphasis.*

"I tell you the truth! The only reason that them pigz ain't bacon right now is because they need to get just a little bit bigger or I won't even have me enough for a picnic ham! Why I oughta just let the dogs have them no good, sorry, stanky, mud covered ladies of ill repute right now!"

Beside her the dogs silently plead with their eyes, "Come on.... give the order... give the order...we want them pigz... pah-leeeeeeeze..."

OFG bends over to pick up her hat, giving the camera an unflattering view of her tailfeathers. Right there, smack dab in the middle of her port cheek is a perfectly formed, in mud, outline of a pig's nose.

Behind her the dogs try to stifle snickers. Kai holds a paw over Zanders mouth, Lucky's eyes get big, and even Ti tries to look away. As OFG stomps away swearing a blue streak and spitting out words that gentle readers such as yourselves should never hear.... the dogs lose their composure entirely.

"Did you see what was on her bottom!?!" Kai and Zander fall into fits, lay on the ground holding their bellies, laughing uncontrollably. Lucky snorts something out his nose. Ti just shakes his head muttering, "Well glory be, I guess them pigz stuck their nose in her business."  This sends the dogs into further fits of giggles.

"I CAN HEAR YOU!" OFG screams from off camera. She's mad. Real mad.

The dogs quail.

"Run!" Yells Ti and they all break away.....except for Lucky who's still laughing. He also never remembers that their Commanding Officer always circles back around looking for malcontents.

Lucky is summarily snatched up and sent to the brig for "conduct unbecoming." Again.

This is, in fact, the very last day I will get in the pen with them pigz. The next time they see me coming it will be with an axe in one hand and my butchering knives in the other. And now I'm gonna go wash my best work shorts and hope to get this stupid muddy-pig-nose-print off of them.

All y'all can go off now and have a nice day. I'm mad a hell.


Heavens Door Acres said...

I have to say, I am with Lucky on this one....trying not to laugh, but can not hold it in! I am so sorry, they " stuck their nose in your business" BWAHahahahahahaha!!! I mean,ahem, BAD PIGS... Hehe..walks away giggling...in her business...haha!

Ohiofarmgirl said...

All I'm sayin' is all I'm sayin, HDA... and I say no more on this. Except I hates me them pigz.

becky3086 said...

Oh how I know the feeling! I wear my apron (with chickens on it) out to the pig pen now every day because they never fail to jump up on the barrier and throw slop all over me. I have not gotten in the pen with them for a while now.
One of them is on his way out Sunday.

Linda said...

Some of the low carb forum people were asking about raising their own pigz. Of course I linked to your blog and told them that hating the pigz is the most important part :D

Ohiofarmgirl said...

Becky you have got to give me a link for the chicken apron! I bet its great. I actually have 2 sets of clothes - inside and outside. But still.. ugh!

Linda - hating them IS the most important part! Ha!

KatB said...

Love this! I'm really trying no to giggle at your expense, but this was great. I especially like the creative way it was written - I could totally visualize the whole "scene." :)

Rae said...

Lmao! I make the hubby feed the pigs. :)

Ohiofarmgirl said...

thanks, Kristen.. go ahead and laugh. i'm finding the humor in the whole thing. i still hate those pigz tho.

Rae - from now on TBM is feedin' them pigz and that is for sure. of course i'll still make hard boiled eggs and throw them at the pigz.. i mean.. ahem.. throw them "to" the pigz..... ;-)

collieguy said...

To play the devil's advocate; I, too, have been more than once the butt of piggie humor and the recipient of well deserved-from their point of view-comeuppance. Consider the state of things from their point of view. A sense of adventure, exploration and sport all truncated by fences, dogs, ill humored humans and a date with the bacon man.

In the sum of it though, bacon is the farmer's best revenge.

Chai Chai said...

Carry food to pigz
Dogs snicker behind your back
Both in your business?

1st Man said...

I've never had pigs, not sure we ever will, but I have to say, this is one FUNNY post!! Thanks for sharing!! :-)

Ohiofarmgirl said...

CollieG - well said, Friend, bacon is the best revenge. i think i'm gonna get that put on a tshirt... yay!

thanks 1st, man! if you get pigs prepare of humiliations galore.

David said...

Thx for the laugh! - I think that could be a trademark! "snout shorts" for the gal who works the earth....

Ohiofarmgirl said...

Dave, I have a feeling there could be a whole line of clothing... ha!

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