Ohiofarmgirl's Adventures in The Good Land is largely a fish out of water tale about how I eventually found my footing on a small farm in an Amish town. We are a mostly organic, somewhat self sufficient, sustainable farm in Ohio. There's action and adventure and I'll always tell you the truth about farming.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

On going to town.

Life on the Arctic Tundra continues today with wind and extremely cold temperatures. Yesterday I thought I would escape and go to town.  Aside from a terrific lunch with my friend...it didn't go as planned.

I endured what could be described as a "haircut" only in the academic sense. I ended up looking like a barbie doll after the kids took the scissors to her.  I'm not sure what I expected from a $13 cut-n-fluff from the NotSoSuperDuperCuts. But let's just say that I no longer have a pony tail.

Then I had a terrible experience in a too small dressing room involving some kind of sham fashion trend knows as "jeggings." I ended up with a bad paper cut and a very real fear that they would need to call security and use the Jaws of Life to get me out of the aforementioned "jeggings." I was, in fact, a fashion victim.

By the time I got home I was in a sorry state. Fortunately my husband knew to blurt out, "Wow! Your new haircut is really cute!" with the right amount of sincerity to ensure that I still made him dinner. The dogs looked at me confused. I feel confused without my pony tail.

Which leads me to this, my real tale about going to town. It's only because my defenses are down that I am relaying this episode of Why You Can't Take Me Anywhere.

The main reason that we had go to town last week was to get my husband's paycheck. For a lot of stupid reasons it was late. But we needed to get some supplies so we got it cashed and did our errands. The next morning The Big Man handed me a fat pile of hundred dolla billz, y'all and told me to take it to the bank. OK fine.

So I roared into town, flung open the truck door, and jumped down just in time to be blasted by a big whoosh of wind.... and I dropped everything in my hands.

Money... money flying everywhere.... Everything in my check book all over the street....

"BAH!" I screamed and tried to grab everything. But you know how it's hard to hold stuff and pick up other stuff especially when the wind is blowing everything around? It was like being in one of those money grabbing machines they have at the fair.

I had no choice but to start hopping around stomping on the money with my farmy boots. Just as soon as I got one under my dirty boot I'd snatch it up and hop around trying to get something else. Money. Receipts. Coupons. Flying all over the street.

One job. I had one job. 

Finally I had it all and walked, shamefully, into the bank with my hands full of muddy, poopy money. The teller glared at me but took the deposit.

I skulked over to the feed store. Predictably they started laughing as soon as I walked in.

"How you doin', OFG?" Asked the owner.

"Well, you know how it is, Earl." I said trying to avoid explaining just what happened.

"No. No, OFG I don't know how it is with you... ever." He smiled indicating that I should go on.

Gingerly I held out a soggy, poopy, oily, muddy hundred dolla bill by the one dry corner.

"Oh." He said. "So you've been..."

"Sh!t stompin' the benjamins. Yes, Earl, that's what I've been doing." And then I explained the whole affair.

"You know you could have always just used the drive-thru at the bank, OFG" Said Captain Obvious who was now using a paper towel to wipe off that poor hundred dolla bill.

"Yes, yes I realize that. Thank you, Earl."

I remember a while ago I read a statistic that most of the hundred dollar bills in this country have traces of drugs on them.

Not here.

Consider this a Public Service Announcement  to always wash your hands after handling money. Especially if you live in a rural area. There is no telling what fool tried to make a deposit and ended up chasing money all over the street.

And that is just another reason why you can't take me anywhere. But based on my latest misadventures in town the next time I have a reason to go off farm.. I might just stay home.

Happy Thursday everyone!  Have you been to town lately? How'd it go?


Kaela said...

Man, I am so glad I'm not the only one who has the feed store guys chuckling at me before I even open my mouth.

IanH said...

Can I put two comments here?
1. You southerners don't know what cold is!
2. Where is a video camcorder when you need one?


Thanks for cheering my day up!

Amanda said...

Burst out laughing when I reached the part about the glaring teller. Your blog is seriously hilarious (oxymoron?), thanks for sharing your misadventure. BTW you should share a picture of a shadow of your new hair so I can compliment you on it!

buddeshepherd said...

I read the title as "Going to town on..." and I was wondering just who you assaulted.

Ohiofarmgirl said...

I dont even DO anything, Kaela, man....

Hey Ian - always glad to hear from you. Yep we are dyin and we dont even have a proper cold! Oh geez... it was something. I tell you what.

Hi Amaanda! hee hee hee I might just do that! :-D

It very nearly came to that, Budd...

jhausmann100 said...

There are good days and there are bad days. Sounds like yours was a interesting day. I understand about the poopy money. Been there done that. Glad you were able to get it all together. Who cares what other people think. About the hair cut, it probably looks really nice you just aren't use to it. Hope your days go better.

CallieK said...

I passed through Ohio on my way to and from Kansas City last week -there was a blizzard and it felt damn cold to me. And I'm from Canada! Where the heck does Ian live?

Vera said...

Oh dear OFG, what an experience, but it did read for a great read. I don't go into town much, about twice a month since we started producing our own food. I don't like shopping, and think it a waste of time except for food shopping. Much prefer being at home on our smallholding and doing shopping via the internet!
On the subject of goats: Lester thinks that we shall buy in three sanaans, and put the rest of the flock into the freezer. But that thought of his might change again today!

David said...

Thanks for brightening my morning coffee! It's 2 this morning.

Unknown said...

Too funny...

Ohiofarmgirl said...

Thanks so much JH! And yeah I'm getting used to it - the haircut.

Callie - Ian is way north in Canada. He puts our winters to shame.

Vera - town is just weird for me now. I'll be keeping up on your goat adventures.

Thanks Dave! :-)

Hey LHinB! It's always something...

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